9 Jan 2012


Inside the scarlet darkness I linger,
forever torn between death and life,
quickly I remind myself of breathing,
escaping the horror of the darkenss I live in.

I did not choose
I did not cry
I did not smile
I did not deny.

Drip, drop,
shards raining down on me,
ripping my soul,
leaving only scars.

I did not bleed
I did not fear
I did not leave
I did not scream.

Hush, I choke on my screams,
struggling, coughing,
running far away
where there is no light.

I did not speak
I did not hear
I did not stay
I did not see.

Dear, you don’t know me
smiling, hiding the truth
I cannot bear
yet even tell.

I did not think
I did not reveal
I did not carry
I did not lie.

Hold me in your arms
keep me from myself,
hide myself somewhere
where I can’t hurt myself.

6 Dec 2011

Love, be loved - about trust, hope, happiness and the joyous cold of winter.

Have you ever heard someone say "In order for someone else to love you, you need to love yourself first?" Yeah, I thought so - that's what especially young girls get to hear very often. It's easy to that when you in fact do love yourself, but as the receiver of the 'encouragement' you really don't feel like you could love yourself. So many people are unhappy with theirselves, have low self-esteem and cry theirselves to sleep each night. So many people commit suicide because of depression and because they're not confident with theirselves.
And it's all our fault.

Yes, it's all our fault. If you don't believe it - keep on reading and think about it. The modern world we live in is nothing but a fake - in the 'developed' countries as we call it, we have so many issues that make life a hell for many. We are not developed AT ALL. We bully, we push other people down, we are racist, we are overall arrogant, egoistic and fake. If you think like this:'Yeah but I am not that way, so why should I care?', I can only tell you that this attitude makes everything worse. Fine, it's good if you are nice, but the problem remains. It doesn't just go away because you don't want to have anything to do with it. 

Society manipulates so many people today - just look at all the crap politicians promise today, and none of it ever happens or doesn't have the effect we wanted. Look at all the commercials, telling you who to be. What happened to being individual? What happened to standing up for yourself, fighting against conformity (group pressure) and arguing when you weren't happy with a decision made? I don't know. 

Commercials put enormous pressure on especially young girls and women. We have to be pretty, impress on boys, be 'hot', and obviously be what I call with a good old-fashioned German word: Einheitsbrei. Everything's the same. Everyone is wearing the same clothes, enjoying the same things and doing the same things in their free time. Why? That is exactly what pushes down many depressed people: What other people think of you.

Seriously - I see it all the time. My best friends say often things like "I don't want to ask, I don't want to seem stupid. I don't want to eat, because if I do, I'll be the school's next fat girl." and it saddens me. I literally breaks my heart to see my best friends say things like that. No wonder that they're not happy with themselves - with an environment like ours! Seriously now, it is easy for me to say, I know that. I, too used to wonder how people easily could say something like that. If you had asked my 13 year old self if I was confident with myself, or why I couldn't be the person I wanted to, I would've said:'Like you're the one to talk!'. Now I sit here, stong, steady, hoping to help some other people out that are in the situation I used to be in.

Growing stronger is a long and painful process. When a very good friend of mine finally encouraged me to be who I wanted, I was very hesitant. But I want through it, and I am now very proud of it. I started dressing the way I wanted, talking the way I wanted, I spoke up to the persons that bullied me. They saw I was changing, and they stopped, very slowly though, commenting on everything I did. I was very harsh and had some strong arguments with them, and they almost made me cry but I will not try to hide that, but they respected me. And feared me. They knew I wasn't the weak person they had bullied anymore, I was someone else  - the person I always wanted to be. when I was growing, I still spent many nights, crying silently and tearing my pillows apart. (No kidding, I literally ripped them into pieces)

If you are still reading this and thinking that I am just writing nonsense - fine, don't open your eyes. But you will always be confronted with it - in one way or another. Now, I want you to know something:
You are not a weak person.

You're beautiful - in every single way. Now, here are some things you should to everyday before you go to school or work. 

1. Come up with at least 3 things that are good with yourself.
2. Come up with at least three things you are good at. 
3. Come up with at least three reasons why people love you.
4. Come up with one thing you truly want to be like, but think individual here. Don't choose anything that someone else would like you to be like.
5. Do something about it. Change yourself, slowly but safely, into the person you want to become - a.k.a. make point 4 real.
6. Believe in yourself. Be confident. Stand up to yourself. Stand for your arguments. Trust in the people you love and in the people that love you. Forgive the people who hurt you. Forgive yourself for being weak once - be strong. I love you, and you're beautiful just the way you are. 
7. There is always hope. When everything has dies, hope will always be there, as long as you reach for it. If you give up, then even hope dies, so don't ever give up. Reach on to everything you have left, even though you feel like you've lost everything.

Now, we've scratched on the next topic: Hope.

This will be a short one, I promise, because it is as simple as this: Hope is always there. No matter how bad the situation looks, even if you're close to comitting suicide, hope will always be with you, you only have to let it in. Think about it in your darkest moments, and also think about it in your lightest. It is important to keep it close.

Finally, I talk about something completely different now, but it is unbelievable enough that it is very close connected to the other two topics. Winter.

Winter is a very dark time where we have to keep our closest loves close in order to hold on. It sounds cheesy, right? Sounded way better in my head, promise on that! But! Winter was the time I came to realise who I am just a couple of years ago. Winter is something magical, winter is forgiving. Winter is the time where I am most alike myself, 100% me. I go out into the snow (which we have loads of here) and play. Today, we got our first snow here, which is very late, it usually already snows in november. So, I was walking home from the bus stop, enjoying the cold air filling my lungs and the snow that lay on the thin branches. Smiling, I brushed a bit of it off and let it slowly melt in my fingers. Only this small gesture was magical, I smiled the entire way home, repeating it a lot of times. I even smudged my face in the snow, and it was so releasing. The looks I got didn't touch me - why should I care? And it made me go back to my harder times where Winter was depressing, a burden to bear in hard times. But now it's magic to me.
Find simple thing in life that you love.
Be a little crazy sometimes and smudge your face in the snow, or dance barefoot in the pooring October's rain. And don't ever forget about that memory. Keep it, and let it brighten up your day.
I go crazy in Winter. And I love it.

With these final words, I want to once again encourage you to be the person you want to. Go crazy. Be individual - because that's why I love you. You're wonderful. Don't ever forget it - one day you will be able to look in the mirror and scream out in joy.

Lots of love,

29 Nov 2011

Run away

I wonder how long it would take me
to run away tonight.

To leave it all behind, the past and the future
filled with agony, screams and despair.
Black blood dripping from my heart,
a scar through my damaged soul.

I wonder how long it would take me
to crush my fears tonight.

Wings, choking me slowly,
whispering sweet words into my ear.
I never belonged in the shadows,
but they always longed for me.

I wonder how long it would take me
to wipe away my tears tonight.

So long I wish you farewell
my choked sobs, won't you ever stop?
Tears of silver, pain of gold
and a never ending fall.

I wonder how long it would take me
to forget about the past?

The sand slowly falls
the clock silently ticks,
time urges me to move on,
but I am forever lost in what once was.

I wonder how long it would take me,
yes I wonder,
how long?

16 Nov 2011

Beloved, goodbye

A raven's taunting cry,
snow slowly falling down.
Beloved ones, hidden in black,
gathered where hope faded away.

Last words of goodbye, silent sobs,
depression lingers like a big grey cloud,
only waiting to release something,
something that could ease the pain,
of the loss of a beloved soul.

14 Nov 2011

Crumpled paper

It's all about her.
Her broken dreams, that she'll never dream again.
Her trust to the world, destroyed, just like her soul.
Shattered, seeking, yes, almost mad,
she wanders along the streets at night,
wondering if at least the stars can tell
why nobody comes to pick her up from the ground when she's fallen,
why she always fought for everything her entire life,
why everything is happy on the outside, but then the wall just falls appart,
and there she is, with nothing.
She knows, that hope might be the only thing that'll always be there,
despite the darkness she might be in,
but right now, it is hard to see.
After all, she's just a girl with broken dreams and a shattered soul...

13 Nov 2011


Someday, I'll be free. Dreams may last forever, but reality won't.
Slowly, we will be punished. Punished for what we've done, for what we haven't done.
We're already blamed for things we didn't do, I still cary the bruises and scars deep within my heart.
If you don't believe me, fine, be deaf to the obvious, and ignore what lies ahead of you.
But someday, I know the ropes that have bound my wings back for so long, will be eased by you.
The knot will untie more and more, with every kiss, with every 'I love you', because in love, we still have hope. Dreams may last forever, and our love will, too.
And then someday, my wings will spread, and I'll be free.